That suggestion is for adults who dont know each other all that well, not close friends like your son and T., and not children. Im totally inviting Susie Cream Cheese to have dinner with me there. I have a completely different set of habits, displayed personality traits, etc. And I dont want to raise expectations falsely and unsustainably. Sometimes when my bathrooms have gotten out of control I purposely invite someone over on the weekend to induce a shame-cleaning because I will live with a much grosser toilet situation than I would ever allow a guest to see. Best house guests EVER. But theres a lot wrong with painting peoples legitimate reasons for disliking unexpected people dropping by as some sort of irrational priggishness, and the cleaning remark is just gratuitously nasty. They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. Without telling us?). Homemade meals, as old-fashioned as they may appear, can be hearty, flavorful, warm, and simple to make. A quick I just got my new bike at that shop down the street, do you have a few minutes to tell me how awesome it is? call or text would probably have been better, had you but known. Friendship break-ups are awkward and hard and with lots of ambiguity. I came down to help full-time, 24/7, with my grandmothers care; sadly, she died a while back. We had made plans to watch a show but hadnt specified an exact time (he was assuming normal end-of-my-workday time). And if Im hiring a band and a caterer. Ive been the house that friends can show up to at any time. If this is true, what are some ways you think we might have more fun? Or as they are also known, mess-makers. So maybe but I guess will never know. Like, maybe we will both be in the same house on Christmas Day. If he accepts, but suggests hanging out at your place, have an excuse in mind for why you have to hang out at his place. But when everyones pretty busy, its often easier to just be more fault-tolerant than to try in vain to be a flawless scheduling robot. It can put the person organizing an event in an awkward position to be asked by someone if they can be invited. If he is a gamer, you may offer to have a gaming night at his place. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. What does the Bible say about a grandparent's role, and how can grandparents be a blessing to homeschoo Maybe. I have a No Soliciting sign outside of my door, and usually I dont answer it if Im not expecting anybody (after peeking through the spy hole to see if its someone I know. 1. The hugest part of it is that I cannot bear to have people see inside my house unless it is perfectly tidy and the floors vacuumed/washed, and every surface freshly wiped down, and no dirty dishes, and with refreshments ready etc (thank you, my mother, for your hostess-shame legacy) and as mentioned I have children. H Come over! Sorry for the messiness of the paragraph. We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. i wouldve invited you up! [6] 3 Make a list of everything you want to pack. It could be for any number of reasons. He was like uh, okay? and I was like dude you never come up and get me anyway; sorry!, This is another one that varies greatly depending on culture and region. Do something about the many, many piles of random crap and books and papers and and. I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. For any other reason just tell the truth, tell her you want to watch your favourite movie with her or cook together or whatever that may be of interest for the both of you. Im glad Im not the only person who got a needy vibe from that. Where I grew up there was an open door culture. While I am still in the shower. Its a pretty good rule of thumb for friending, as it is for dating, I find. Come for dinner tonight at 8:00 is an invitation, Come by later is Hey, glad to see you, we should catch up at length soon. I havent spent time in Brazil, so I dont know if thats a Brazilian thing or a dudes-who-grew-up-with-M-specifically-where-he-grew-up thing but it is a real thing, and M. has had to rethink and clarify it for American friends now that he lives here. Keep it short the first time, and keep everything as controlled? Growing up society has taught you that most men prefer to be initiative takers and it gets scary when a woman takes the lead. Then if the friend wants to, she can suggest you come to her house but if shes not up for that, she can decline altogether or agree to meet up elsewhere without feeling like she was put on the spot. ), and enthusiastically said shes be there. Your apartment is definitely not an option coz lets assume you have a roommate who probably doesnt feel great about it. Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. You want to leave open the lines of communication, but otherwise treat her as you would a casual friend you were getting to know for the first time. I didnt say your way forward was easy, mind. I have invited said best friend over for a playdate, twice, by email a week in advance each time. Its at 7.30 on Thurs if youre still interested?* But no actual arrangement has been made just because both people have expressed interest in the concept of going. See Id totally get that we should do this! doesnt actually mean it until you make specific plans, but as soon as someone actually mentions a day Id assume its something that is almost certainly going to happen and we just need to confirm the time. Number 1: All of this. You want things to go right for T, and your son to be happy with the results as well, and leave T wanting more. Shes my full time carer and she has a job, so housework is one more stressor. But so many people want to hang out all day. Let it drop now, and eventually you may become good friends with this person and have the pleasure of building their KALLAX. Itturned out ok, but I sort of wish I had subsequently invited one or two other people, because it was kinda weird to travel with this guy (he wasnt even a CLOSE friend, I have NO CLUE what he was thinking). For example, they're semi-close to a group they want to spend more time with, but they're usually not formally asked to join them when they hang out. Ill pick you up at such-and-such time. She, the etiquette queen, would leave me hanging for months before answering. Take it a step further, and youve a way of saying Im blameless. Ive had a personal experience with a partner that lived a very compartmentalized life because lets just say. Not everyone does. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them, and its so great to hang out with someone for whom Come by my place Saturday at 9:30 means I will go by their place Saturday, at 9:30 without any further confirmation or negotiation being necessary. Or by initiating contact in some other way? Oh also, the good old days when people could just drop by anytime had rules too, they were just different rules. My rule of thumb is to not go anywhere where I have not been expressly invited (kind of like the vampires in the Captains hilarious trailer). Examples: Oh, Im in the neighborhood, Ill just come by your house. No. So, if you like a guy and want to invite yourself over to his place, then there are many tips you can try. ); and yes, that means other people I have no intention of inviting will hear it being discussed. I havent seen anyone else since I got stuck here, and it is horrible, but Im vulnerable, and need to enforce my boundaries for the time being. I dont have guests for the same reason I dont have Facebook- I just cant do that and keep any semblance of mental equilibrium. It is completely ok to ask if other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, but PLEASE be gracious about hearing no. Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not. I stopped hanging out with them for several reasons, but this was a main one. Like alarmingly angry as if I have broken a major social rule or something. This is the craziest way I see guys blow their opportunities. All it takes is the willingness to step forward, and pick yourself. You *do* have manners, thats why you emailed. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. Some people would probably consider this secretive and dishonest, but tbh Im not sure she would. To me this seems rather mean-girlesque. It was so helpful having the Captain unpack the dynamic of that sort of exchange. I dont expect everyone to like the same things I like or vice versa, but different strokes for different folks. Thats the real issue. I never thought to put it this way but its perfect: (i am forever accidentally hurting peoples feelings, i often dont even realize for weeks. Housemate observed that I probably wouldnt come if I wasnt sent an invitation. Me, too!, Oh, youre a vegetarian now? I tend to get to parties and stuff early because I have severe anxieties about being late. [deleted] 11 yr. ago. Im begging you, Awkward Army. But at this point (now that Im more confident with myself, which was the hardest thing) I dont feel obligated to invite All Members Of The Group but I also dont feel like I have to shepherd anyones feelings. Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) She used to do this thing where she would text that she was in the area but never in a way that left me an option on hanging out. The distinction I was trying to awkwardly makie was that a drop-in visit deprives those people who enjoy the lead up to hosting of that lead up (whether it comes in the form of fancy soap, baking, the chance to make DIY napkin holders, etc.). If the person enthusiastically responds, like, THANK YOU, I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD SAY THAT, COME BY AT 11? then you are invited. Lets do this afternoon thing I want to do. I may be asleep. Then wed all stop being kept on tenterhooks waiting for the arrival of the person. I like the idea of just asking directly, but Id be uncomfortable using the phrase Im socially awkward, even in a joking and self-deprecating way, unless I really knew and trusted the people. Be confident and approach the situation with success in mind. Heres the difference between your pet peeve and the pet peeve of the person youre replying to. Equally women didnt drop by after 6pm on weekdays alone because then the men were home and so it would be couple socializing time. Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. I DO think its possible that being someones designated hug-person could get a bit claustrophobic, especially if you are not on for touch stuff all the time. I loathe that kind of conversation, I cant initiate it. Me: I have a thing in the morning. If I tried to have him call T from home to do it, I might be able to sit next to him and coach him through it, but I would have to talk to Ts parent then anyway to work out the logistics of time and place we do not live within walking distance of one another. So on time it hurts. (Im not saying they were saying that, or that youre wrong to feel affronted, just giving my read). Me too! So, if you like a guy and want to invite yourself over to his place, then there are many tips you can try. Many people are eager to know when Santa will come to their house. But arkadyrose was talking about wedding with one person and another person inserted themself into the conversation. But Im also very careful to err on the side of caution with their boundaries, because I know they wont tell me if I violate them; theyll just be angry and pretend not to be. in Psychology. And I dont actually talk about the wedding that much simply because I find it tedious when someone else keeps going on about something. I grew up in the country where this was just A Thing That Happened. Either the object of your attention will track you down when their schedule clears, or theyll drift back into your orbit in some serendipitous way a few months down the road and youll have the opportunity to try again, or they wont. Usually I like things planned out in advance and double or triple checked. Some of our relatives assume that discussing plans for New Years (just as an example) means that *everyone* will be going, including people whose mothers just died and need time to grieve alone. Also, I dont really agree that there was a certain time when these things were normal and now its all changed.. You cant really pop by her work unexpectedly and hang out for two hours; shes got stuff to do, and you both know that the visit needs to be kept short. one of the best things about the living room couch in my current house is that I can skulk in the corner and pretend I am not at home if I dont feel like answering the door, and I am literally impossible to see from outside the house. Although I still would only do it in a more extreme or solitary instance, rather than a pattern of behavior. Word. I was shy, awkward, and lonely until my mid-twenties and created this site to be the kind of guide I wish I'd had at the time. Oh I love nude dancing! There aren't any hard and fast rules. That sort of cleaning, which I know not everyone does or enjoys, is not shame based. If you can improve the overall social impression you make you'll give yourself more leeway to invite yourself to things. Seriously, my go-to method is to hide out of sight and pretend Im not in until they give up and go away. They also make me pretty tired. We had keys, together a year. On the topic of wanting to clean before people show up, I REALLY HATE when people respond to your desire to clean up with oh I dont mind the mess! Look, well intentioned person*, its not about you! Saying no can be hard for me, especially if youre at the front door. The thing that you are missing, it sounds very much like you miss it from a privileged position of not having safe-space related anxiety. In this situation there's likely an unofficial standing offer where anyone who's interested can show up. With only girls? Be confident and approach the situation with success in mind. Agreed. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. 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